Trials

You know the feeling when things just aren't going your way... like this black cloud of misery is just following you around? I am not saying like having a bad day I mean like having a bad week, month or months maybe even year? Ya I have had those...
You worry what more could possible go wrong and just when you think you hit the bottom it just keeps on coming!
I have had my moments where I blamed alot of people.. then I blamed myself and well that didn't turn out so well for me... But after my pregnancy with Bryce and after i placed I thought okay life is going to get better now..
I love the story Cinderella and I love happy endings! I found my Prince Charming, my Mr. Darcy, it was my turn for a happily ever after. Right?
Wrong! So wrong... I would like to think that after me and Kyle got married we would have no problems life would just be easy.
Well I was wrong life is never easy I found.... In my mind the lord had tested me enough and it was time for a break time for life to slow down.
When I was at the end of my pregnancy with Bryce I was very very sick... I was in so much pain and I had heart burn with everything they couldn't figure out what was wrong. After I had Bryce things got better I felt better but my heart burn never went away I was drinking bottles of Malox and Mylanta like they were kool-aid. Luckily I found a great job at a medical clinic and I had good insurance and they paid for some of my medical bills if I went to that clinic. So I decided to try going to a heartburn Doctor... however i still feared men so i went to a mid-level since it was a girl so we tried every type of heartburn pill and found I was allergic to all of them... awesome...
Then I finally went to see the Male Doctor there who was an actual M.D.  He thought the heartburn surgery they do would fix my little problem but just decided to do a C.T. scan just to make sure everything was good...
4 hours after my scan I got a call... I knew something was wrong because they said they would tell me my results in 2 days.... Not 4 hours... My Doctor told me they found two lesions on my liver and I needed an emergency MRI.... The next morning I got the MRI done and went back to work thinking it would be a few days to read that on at least... 3 hours later I was making an appointment with a local hospital to have a biopsy done on one of the tumors they had found on my liver...
I was very upset for awhile I  remember thinking "Really heavenly father really? haven't I done enough haven't I shown enough strength for one year?"
Then after anger I blamed my self again thinking this must be a punishment for making so many mistakes in my life this must be payback for me not living the life I should have.... Then I was terrified about what would happen next and how me and Kyle would handle it...
At the Hospital the next day 6 hours of waiting and about an hour of laying on a table being poked with needles they gave up all hope of a biopsy and decided Huntsman Cancer Center was the best place for me... The tumor was to close to all my vital organs for them to try the Biopsy...
So 2 weeks later we were off to the Cancer center.. and suddenly all thoughts about why me and how come left..... walking through the halls holding hand with my husband I was humbled beyond words... I watched families holding children who were battle cancer... I watch husbands and wives doing puzzles together in the halls one with an iv in their hand and no hair on their head.. I watched families in the waiting room terrified of what was next.... Suddenly I felt thankful.. I was so thankful I wasn't waiting to hear about my child or about my husband I was thankful it was me and no one else I was thankful that I had been blessed to have a smaller trial then those around me.
2 months later I went back to the cancer center to have my tumor removed thankful it was not cancerous and the other tumor is to small to worry about so I never have to go back (knock on wood)
But from April to September I though my life could not get any worse.... I was upset and angry and hurt...
But I learned so much now I find I am so thankful for the chance I had to do experience all of those things...

Some days we just are so overloaded that we ask why... but I can tell you after a few months or even a year you will see why and you might even be thankful for the trial placed before you! Some things I do hope you do when your hit with the rainstorm over your head that seems it will never end is 1. remember you are not alone. 2. Never blame your self know that its part of life some times bad things happen to good people 3. pull out your umbrella and just smile because you are loved

Guest Blogging

This weekend Birthmothers for Adoption was asking for guest bloggers so I thought why not! I have never done it before but here goes nothing! So head on over and check it out! Birthmothers for adoption!

Self Esteem Part 2

Be YOU! Be who you want to be no who others want you to be!

I think this is something everyone has struggled with once in their life is being someone others want them to be either so you can fit in or just be liked more… But you are never really happy in life until you find out who you are and you can never do that unless you are honest with yourself and others!

  Live according to a personal value system

What do you stand for… do you want people to know you for Honesty? Loyalty? Kind to others? Sit down and write down who you want to be what you want to stand for what you want to think of yourself…

  Set healthy boundaries with relationships. ALL relationships

Learn how to set boundaries learn what space you need… This can be a hard thing to do but in the long run it is worth it… we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us

  Accept responsibility for yourself, your thoughts and actions.

Be proud of what you do… if you make mistakes be proud that you can learn from them... For along time I was so afraid to tell people about Bryce and about me being a birth mother, I feel awful for even thinking that way now.. I am so grateful for all the blessings I have in my life and alot of them I wouldn't have if I hadn't made the choices I had. Bryce is someone to celebrate not to hide!

  Give back, help others

A wonderful way to make you feel good and others feel good is to help them; just smiling at someone can make your day a little bit better… There are thousands of ways to help others in this world find one that fits you I can guarantee your days will be brighter when you help others I love being able to help other birth mothers

Self Esteem Part 1

I have had a few e-mails asking me for the presentaiton I gave on Saturday... I had a few parts to it so I will put them up here in parts so I don't make a HUGE post... Here you go!


For the personal references to my story please look at the side bar and read my story before reading these :)


Steps To Regaining or Gaining Self Esteem!


  Stop feeling guilty.  Try to understand where your guilt is stemming from and realize that you deserve all the good things that happen to you

I had to realize that the reason I was feeling the way I was is because one person.. that one abusive relationship caused me to lose control of everything and years later I still was letting him control me… I had to realize he isn't in my life anymore and I am me and people should like me for me...

  Stop beating yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes.  People need to make mistakes to learn from them.  It is natural and there is no such thing as a perfect person.

I had to stop demanding perfection had to learn from the mistakes I made in my life and embrace the mistakes I was and am bound to make in the future.. My new motto in life is Come what may and love it (Elder Wirthlins talk here)… My life is not nor was it ever meant to be perfect. I believe that there was on;y one perfect person who walk this earth and he died for us so we can have choice and accountability so we can make mistakes and not be perfect... But thought the power of repentance we can return to our Heavenly Father... I believe in the healing power of the Atonement

I firmly believe that we were sent down to earth to be tried and tested to endure many things and though our trials find the faith of knowing we will again live with our father in heaven who loves us.

Exercise. Exercise makes you feel better about yourself.  It will increase your energy level, release chemicals into your brain called “endorphins” which make you feel happier and exercise lowers stress. Get ready for the day get out of bed and take a shower

I know everyone has days they don't even want to get out of bed... but I promise you get up take a walk or a run ... … My favorite advice I have been given is Dress the way you want to feel not the way you do feel… Get up get moving and ready for the day even if you are just going to the store for a gallon of milk dress how you want to feel!

  Fix it, if you feel as if you are not “smart enough” or good at anything, increase your knowledge about those subjects.  Then you will feel confident in that subject.  Also having an increased knowledge will give you a strong sense of worth. This feeling of worth is very important to building your confidence and boosting your self-esteem.

I remember many things that I was told I was not good enough at when I was in my abusive relationship some of which are not loading the dishwasher right or not folding towels the correct way, I had to figure out which way was right for me… But if you feel that you are lacking knowledge in something then the best way to handle it is to fix it! WE are so blessed to have the power of the internet of the luxury of the library at our disposable!  I can promise you there will be days when we all will fail... but take you failures and turn them into a positive, look at at your failures as something you can learn from not as something that brings you down!

  Replace negative thoughts with  positive ones.  Having positive thoughts is an essential key to fixing low self-esteem.  Thinking positively kills any negative thoughts you may be having about yourself, your appearance and your skills, making you feel competent, attractive and a good person

This was by far the hardest thing I think for me to grasp… it wasn’t until I was teaching a lesson to some young women last year that I started to be able to start adding this in to my healing process, Every morning I woke up and I looked in the mirror and I remembered I am a Child of God and he loves me and I love him!  Mornings are beautiful when I remember that!

I realize that many people who read this blog may not know of The Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But this is my beliefs that i chose to share with you. Wether or not you believe in the LDS faith... Please know that thier is someone who will alway love you and protect you... know that we are never alone in our time of need we will always have our father in heaven to guide us.

Day 2

Well day two was wonderful as well but for a totally different reason.. In the morning we decided to skip classes and go hang out with the Dwelle's and get all the boys together for a fun train ride to SLC and play down there for a few hours.. it had to be quick because I had to get back to present my class... It was so good to see Bryce and Carter! Bryce is SO big.. But we did finally get a picture of me and Bryce where I semi look normal... Yay for me ...

I must say my heart was so full Saturday morning watching Bryce interact with his parents, I loved just watching him on the way home he was very tired and I guess when he gets tired he talks and says silly things he sat by me and Kyle and tried selling us hot chocolate he talked pretty much the whole train ride home it was crazy listening to him talk... He is growing up so fast. And he is SO happy I can see how much he loves Rebecca and Jared and I just am so proud of the little man he is becoming!

I love adoption and on days like Saturday its hard to not shout it from the roof tops!

Day 1

Day 1 of conference was wonderful here is some information I have that I wanted to share
Husbands of Birth mothers
I thought this panel was awesome.. although my husband was on it so I am not a good judge of that but the best judge. I think the best advice that was given was be up front and honest about i being a birth mother let the guy you are dating know... in alot of cases they won't mind they will admire you for your strength courage and honesty... however that's not to say everyone won't mind... some guys you date might care... but a great quote is
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." --Dr. Seuss
If they were meant to be in your life they would accept you for who you are and if they don't then your are better with out them in my personal opinion...
Anywho another thing that I liked that was mentioned someone asked what did you family say when you told them you were dating a girl who had placed for adoption... My husbands response was
"Your not getting married to your in-laws so if they don't like it you can just move away"
So true not the move away part although I guess you can but when you are going to get married being accepted by your future in-laws in going to a challenge no matter what... birth mother or not its still scary... but adding that into the mix is still even scarier... however now that I am married and gone through all that its so important to know that in the end all that matters is you and your spouse... don't worry about anyone else or that can hurt your relationship with your spouse.  I think Dr. Seuss' quote fits well into here to!


Next was the giving back class and I adore and love Jessa (she does the Birth mothers 4 adoption and Scholarships 4 Birth mother blogs) She placed a few weeks after i did and I wish I had jumped in and done more like she has done...
She talked about giving back as a birth mother something I am so interested in.. She quoted The Princess Bride saying don't get into the pit of Despair - it can suck you and you can get stuck forever
Giving back has many benefits for others and for you They talked about the proper terminology which I will post about later.
Something I loved that was said was be proud for what you have done tell people about it share your story anyway you can. Let people know about adoption, these are new statistics from the national council for adoption. Last year in the U.S. there were 1.2 Million abortions and only 18,000 infants born in the U.S. were placed for adoption... Those numbers make me sick... how many children could we have saved if the world was educated about adoption and its benefits?

So lets get out there and spread the word!

 

Sister Beck at Conference

This past weekend was amazing for so many different reasons!

I wasn't able to go to as many classes as I had planed because of a massive Headache I got towards the end of the first day but I would love to share with you the my favorite parts of the first day!

Sister Beck is a wonderful speaker every time I listen to her even if its a a training meeting for Relief Society she can just lift your spirits up and make you feel like you can conquer the world!

Julie Spoke alot who the needs for the adoption program in the church have changed so much of the years  and instead of it being for children with out parents its now helping parents with out children. She talked about how many women in the bible were unable to have children and dealt with the pain and sorrow of not have the blessing of a child for many years.

The she shared a wonderful story about her family and how her father and his first wife had 4 children and sadly the 4th was taken from them shortly after birth... then shortly after that his wife died of cancer...

She said how at his wife's funeral he had one child in his arms and the other two hanging  on his coat, He told himself ; "This challenge will not defeat me"

She talked about how some of our experiences and trials with strengthen us and some will teach us.

At the end of her talk I couldn't get the words will not defeat me out of my mind.

I love the strength behind those words...

I know as I have struggled through the years I have though how can I not let this defeat me or consume me!

Some times we take out trials with grace and other times we hit them head on ready for the battle... for me I would like to think I have done that but I know I have had time when I cave and fallen into Satan's grasp and let sorrow despair and pain overpower the knowledge I have that our father in heaven loves us.

I am so grateful that Sister Beck came and spoke and I am so grateful I was able to be strengthened by her talk and testimony and I hope that as new trials and sorrows come into my life I can proudly say;

"This challenge will not defeat me" 

3 years

Today Bryce is 3!

As the week began to close today crept closer and closer... I am normally just fine when Bryce hits a big mile stone in this case his birthday... But this year something was different I am not sure what made me feel the way I do this year I have my guesses.... But this year I would sit down for a second and just burst into tears.... I have been trying to keep busy and doing a good job and then any free moment I would cry...
After placement there has always been a pain but it hasn't been too bad its not like a could hanging over me and making my days dark its more away for me to remember him and how much I love him and owe him for helping me say on the right path when i was pregnant with him... 
it wasn't that pain yesterday that started to hurt it was something different it was a fear... Bryce is now 3 he is now talking and understanding and learning... now more then ever I fear that he won't understand my choice or when he comes to see me he will hate me... I know a 3 year old is not going to understand birth mothers and adoption or anything like that I don't expect him to but its one year closer to the age where he will understand that.. I am terrified he will think I placed him because I didn't want him or love him i am so scared he will be upset with my choice....
I finally listened to my husband and texted Rebecca and asked her to give him a hug and a kiss and let him know I love him.. I told her I was having a hard time and really needed some pictures... Then I got a phone call and sweet little Bryce was telling me how church was on the other end and "showing" me his dump trucks and letting me know his cake had lots of sprinkles. My heart was for of love for the Dwelle's for calling me and talking to me! They are so understanding I love them so much.
I know when the time comes and Rebecca and Jared have to explain why I placed they will do a wonderful job... I know they love adoption and Bryce will grow to love adoption just as much as they do... I know Bryce is getting older but it doesn't mean he is old enough to hate my guts like all the other horror stories I hear...

I will never regret my choice I love adoption it was truly the best thing for me and for Bryce. It has brought so much joy I can handle days like this when I know he is happy and health and most important sealed to such amazing people!

I love Bryce love the Dwelle  family... And I Love Adoption!